“Never thought I’d end up here, stuck between ecstasy & fear.” – Mel Bryant & The Mercy Makers
Almost immediately after we’d both cum harder than either of us had in awhile (look at me, making assumptions about his orgasms like I have a dick or something), I immediately rolled over, grabbed my phone and dove into the depths of the internet researching & signing up for these sites he’d found while he’d been mulling over whether or not to include me in his ideas about the future of our relationship. AdultFriendFinder this… FetLife that… Fling. Tinder. Feeld. Bumble. A whole list of sites and apps whose names I’d heard over the years, but never had any real reason to give a second thought to. I had taken monogamy seriously for most of our relationship even if X didn’t.
I dipped between creating these shiny new slut accounts & drunkenly reading and re-reading the article he had credited for having spurred him into talking to me about all of this in the first place. It was written from the POV of a woman describing her own situation with this lifestyle in a way that I’d never heard before. A lifestyle of complete openness and honesty between you and your partner where sex and/or relationships could go anyway you wanted them to so long as all parties involved agreed.
I scrolled through website after website, my brain eagerly eating up every bit of information I could dig up, trying to adapt to my soon-to-be new environment and ever-broadening state of mind. Something, something Vixen/Stag/Buck vs. Cuckold/Hot Wife/Bull. The terms being used to describe things took on a new importance one that I had never considered while trying to figure out what to type into the tube site search box for the last couple years. You can put whatever fantasy you want on a porn clip so long as all the players are there, but when it comes to real life, words and context definitely matter.
After even more talking where I did most of the musing and question asking – he seemed to have it all figured out for himself and as usual wasn’t keen on cluing me in without me asking the right things in just the right ways. He finally said he just wanted the equivalent of live, personalized porn and I wanted to be the world’s slut online and IRL. At that moment it seemed too good to be true, it felt like I’d unknowingly made a wish sometime in the night and it came true once the sun started its rise to the horizon. I was too excited by the idea of finally having some sort of balance in our relationship to let the thought linger in my booze-addled brain for long. Balance and an easier way for him to feel more comfortable being honest and communicating openly? Sign me up.
With his okay & confirmation (multiple times) that this was something he actually wanted to go forward with, while pointing out this was one of those things where once it was tried & tested, there was no going back, I signed up and picked a name that I figured no one else would find me under. Since I’ve had quite the sexual presence on the internet for well over a decade, I decided to go with something totally out of left field to (at least temporarily) hide the fact that my day job for the last 10+ years has been making independent fetish porn and doing live cam shows.
For the first time in my adult life I was just a silly slut on the internet looking for easily accessible genitals that would obey boundaries & fuck me senseless. We weren’t even sure there would be any interest. I’m over 30 & I’m not exactly the picture perfect example of the traditional Midwestern beauty standard. I’ve curated my look over the years to be understood by men as “GET AWAY OR I MIGHT FUCKIN’ STAB YOU” not “Feel free to flirt, ya big slut.”
That evening after a much needed daylong nap, we lazily laid in bed as we checked the main fuck site we’d decided to make our slutty home base on only to find 20+ messages & dozens of messages on every other site and app that I’d signed up for in my spark of drunken genius. Overwhelmed is an apt word to describe how it felt seeing the piles of messages & reading through them, but so are hopeful, surprised & horny.