As I’ve mentioned before, at times there have been people who didn’t even make it all the way to fun naked parts of knowing me. It’s usually because I get bored or it’s clear they’re not really into the idea, but once in awhile someone just totally ruins it for themselves before they even get to the starting line & honestly, sometimes those are the most fun for me to write about. Which is exactly what happened in the cringe worthy case of Saint Fuckface.

After the first 6 months into the whole FS/A journey, I kinda gave up trying to keep up on all the different things we perved around on. Especially when I realized half the time the apps were bugged out, the sites UI responded like it hasn’t been updated since the late 90’s & none of them that we ever tried had properly working notifications. I started putting my Snapchat username on my profile because while I’m a slut, I’m a socially lazy one & much prefer to do interactions in the style of the Godfather. You come to me, we talk, we decide whether or not I like you & if this conversation is even worth having. It sounds stuck up, but I promise it comes from a place of slothfulness & social burnout not vanity or condescension.

One day while going through & seeing who looked fun on my recent adds list, I found Saint Fuckface. It was an interesting start for a slut4slut-based friendship. He was a devoutly religious something-or-other & I consider myself a bonafide heathen with leanings towards being a full on hedonistic heretic. A boobtastic blasphemer if you will. But I was still willing to feel out the vibe and see where it led us. Judge least ye be judge or whatever, right?

While I was sitting at home, having a couple drinks one evening after a day or two of talking, he decided to hit me up and get…philosophical. Maybe a better word is preachy. You know that thing Christians/Catholics do where they feign shock over how someone could live a full life outside of their murderous little book club? Yeah, he did that.

He & his boner seemed almost forlorn over the fact my poor, black little soul being “lost to the powers of evil” (ha) & after a long, loud debate he punctuated his point by asking me a simple yet horrifyingly insightful question.

“How can you possibly want to wake up & do good things if you don’t believe in god? How can you be a good person at all without faith in Jesus? What’s in it for you?“

My brain glitched.

Have you ever had a conversation or experience that makes your brain automatically play a sound effect? The soundbite of a record scratch or of screeching car tires pops into your head. I don’t know which variety the electro-fat blob powering my body picked that day, but I sat in stunned silence, staring at my phone like it had just bit me while I tried to piece together what I’d just been asked.

My first thought was “I gotta be more careful who I show my tits to, they were way too expensive for people like this to enjoy.“

The very next thought I had was “I would never fuck this guy.” At best he was semi-fun to pick a fight with, at worst he was someone I’d classify as an untrustworthy liability. And since he’d given me…nothing to go on except a semi-pretty penis & a terrible personality that was my cue to take my time unleashing my version of Vicious Mockery.

I quickly fumbled open my front facing camera & fired back something about how I found it insane he needed a sky daddy to even have the urge to be a decent, kind human being. That I’d be in fuckin’ shock if he didn’t have heads in his freezer somewhere if that’s the rules he played life by. Slammed the send button and then something magical happened, the universe gave me a gift. Just as soon as I had seen the video message read “delivered”, my phone died & with it so did my urge to ever communicate with him or anyone who showed themselves to be like him ever again.

Sometimes even I find a wall I don’t want to fight & breakdown or a clumsy, bigoted giant who isn’t worth throwing stones at. It was the beginning of me recognizing that not every person or situation is worth the time, effort or air from my lungs to try & teach someone how to be better. Not worth even insulting once I realize they aren’t even open minded enough to learn or change. I’ve found I’m appreciative at this point whenever people show me that not every person is worth the fuck it took to bring them into this world.

Godspeed, Saint Fuckface. Godspeed far the fuck away from me.After matching with him on some god forsaken app or another, we quickly met up that weekend for drinks at The Dive Bar. His energy was a bit off (amplified? seemed like nervous energy or really good drugs & I can’t say I blame him for either option), but I was impressed by his proud proclamation of being a Scorpio Moon & his lack of any overt bigoted attitudes (the bar isn’t just low, it’s in hell).

After a couple drinks & some appetizers, we decided to continue our evening of debauchery the only way nerdy sluts know how to: popping over to one of the local barcades that was down the way from the bar. You may think I’m being sarcastic when I say this, but I promise you, it’s sincere: the one we went to this particular night was set up perfectly to get a grope/smooch in here or there without anyone really noticing. And the best part is not having to worry about any children or teenagers being underfoot because it’s a legit bar: be 21+ or get the fuck out. A couple drinks, a handsy friend, a short enough shirt or loose enough top & you’re in business! Thankfully, I was dressed just right for the occasion, X made sure of that before we even left the house.

After we made it past the bouncer and down the stairs, we flitted around the dark mega basement bathed in the lights & nostalgic, tinny sounds of MIDI tracks of video games from decades ago. We stopped a little here for some Elvira Pinball & groping and then over there for some RoboCop & making out. It wasn’t long before we collectively decided it was time to grab a hotel before it got anymore obvious we were more interested in fucking each other than playing video games.

We rented a room at our then go-to Cheapo Murder Motel Deluxe & got down to business. As per usual, the clothes flew off probably before the door even fully closed. I was immediately impressed at least on a physical level. For as nerdy as this guy looked, after he ditched his very fancy man-panties & unveiled his dick, I was more ready than ever to show him just how well I play with others. Thick, fairly well groomed & just the right length for me not to accidentally impale myself in a bout of manic lust while on top of him. I was excited to give it a go & see exactly where all it could fit between the holes X had given me the option to use with others.

After giggly ogling each other, he slipped on a condom then worked his fat cock into me inch by inch. And holy fuck, it was glorious. He started pounding my soaked pussy, pinning me down to the bed with each thrust going deeper into my tight hole. Given how little time it took for him to fully wedge himself inside of me, it was very clear all the teasing he’d done at the bars definitely did the trick. My pussy was ready for whatever he could throw at it.

Then he did something that was completely new to me as far as fucking men goes…he started moaning, at times louder than I did. Which took me by surprise at first…I know I’m sorta new to this, but you’d think I would have had a moaner by now, right? Nope. A couple quiet whimpers, but no one and I mean no one I’ve ever fucked got quite as loud as Mr. Aries. Now, I’m into some sound. Who doesn’t love a little feedback while doing the deed? But this…I’m such an asshole, it was hard for me to even keep a straight face (after I came). I looked over at X as if to ask if he was hearing this as loudly as I was only to find him lost in his phone. I knew he wasn’t bisexual so to him it wasn’t much to look at, but I figured he’d at least hear all the racket and look up…

The whole reason he’d said we were doing this is because this exact scenario of someone with a huge dick fuckin’ me for his viewing pleasure was one of his fantasies. I was slightly confused, but I was having too much fun to give it much thought at the time. I figured he would let me know if anything had changed with how he felt about stuff because that’s what grown folks do, right?

Ha.

I pulled myself back from that needling moment of uncertainty to Mr. Aries finally roaring to orgasm & filling the condom up a good amount. And while I didn’t hate the sex, I realized this man was not for me. Wonderful human being with an absolutely stunning piece of art between his legs, but since I’m not one to shit on someone’s parade, I knew almost instantly after the first fuck, I had to bow out. I’m not gonna keep fuckin’ someone & tell them they can’t moan/groan/enjoy sex as loud as they want to. Get it, my dude. Lord knows I’m louder than hell under the right circumstances. 

After a quick smoke break outside on the balcony outside our room, I felt the humid wind blow my way-too-damn-short dress up and away as I thought about what I’d learned thus far from fuckin’ men. As I stood there with my ass in the beautifully warm wind & watched the Motel People go about their lives with the night blissfully unaware of my butt cheek breeze setup, I decided I’d just nicely fade away from Mr Aries. It’s weird what can make someone incompatible with someone else, but once you notice it you probably shouldn’t try to force yourself to accept it unless ya really like ’em. And I was pretty sure after hanging out with him the only thing I liked about Mr. Aries was his dick.

But because I’m a greedy bitch when it comes to the sweet, sweet serotonin hits that overload my brain when I’m playing with someone new. Against my better judgement, I still had to see if Mr. Aries could go for round #2. Just to make sure I wasn’t into it. For science.

I stumbled back into the room, stripped off my dress & damn near head butted that evening’s entertainment as I bounced down on top of him. He laid sprawled out on the bed looking naked and peaceful, how I could I resist going in for a sloppy kiss and some more of that sweet, frenzied fucking he’d been dishing out all night. I hurried to slip on another condom & tried my best to get his cock in full working order again. I failed pretty hard there, but managed to squeeze out another orgasm of my own before I completely gave up.

After it was clear my date was indeed a normal human who’s genitals couldn’t bounce back in under 20 minutes, I climbed off and collapsed on his chest, looking for any scratches I might have left. A few minutes of cuddly introspection later, I finally got enough post-nut clarity to gather my stuff & head home with X for the night. We said our goodbyes & then I gave it a week and never talked to him again. 

I know a lot of you are probably a bit irritated to think I ghosted someone so casually. But I need you to understand something before you sling your judge-y little stones my way. When rejecting a man in an upfront way, even if you’re kind, there’s always a (sometimes small, sometimes big) chance said man could react badly to it. Which usually means some sort of immediate threats/acts of violence or a long-term bout of stalking being thrown your way.

Dick-based terrorism at it’s finest.

I’ve had it happen before, many times, just like countless other folks who fuck dudes. And just like everyone else who has enough time alone with men, you learn the most effective ways to avoid either of those things happening are often seen as heartless and cold. And while I didn’t see Mr. Aries as being dangerous, I also didn’t know him well enough to know what he was capable of & I didn’t care to find out.

Shutting the fuck up and hoping someone forgets I even exist has saved me more than a few times. Men rarely care enough what anyone they fuck have to say after they’ve completed the “conquest” anyway so it’s a pretty reliable method even if it comes off as rude or insensitive.

I can guarantee you will never see me complain about someone doing it to me. Especially if there’s no close connection or bond we share – a casual fuck is welcome to just stay casual. If it don’t fit or feel right, don’t force it. That includes wasting your time on idle chatter or bizarre sex with people you don’t even like.

I hope Mr. Aries found someone who thinks his moaning is the hottest thing ever. Everyone who isn’t a giant asshole deserves some form of adoration like that.